nebulochaotic

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IC ANON MEME

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I don't know why.

[ That's not really the truth though, is it? Some part of him knows exactly why, if he lets himself take the time to think about it. He just...doesn't.

He's not entirely sure why those words; that half-request stings a little, but all the same, it does. He tries not to acknowledge it, but it's there. ]

I'll drop it if that's what you want.

[If that's what you want. He doesn't say it to be cruel, he's probably trying to be nice, but Vanya doesn't know how to handle feeling everything this way. It's been months without her meds, and though the withdrawal is gone, the wild swings from one extreme to another still throws her. It almost makes her miss feeling nothing - this would sure as hell be easier to deal with.

As it is, she tenses, too unsettled to just leave it alone now. She'll worry this out for days in her head. Maybe she should just do that - it would be smarter, wouldn't it? To just walk away and hope things make sense in a day or two.

Shit.]

I don't - I don't know. This just - you seem, I don't know, upset? And I don't know what you want me to say.

[That's the default for her: what do others want her to do, so she can quietly slip away from the situation? The Academy really did a number on her.]

[ Shaking his head, Derek smiles a little. ]

I'm not upset, I promise. I don't...really know what I want you to say, either. I'm gonna be honest: this isn't completely new territory but also, it's completely new territory for me.

[ Because while he knows what it's like to try to talk to someone he cares about more than he probably should, he's not used them being such close friends by the time he does it. ]

That doesn't make sense.

[The smile helps; some of the tension bleeds out of her shoulders, though not all.]

Should we just...forget about this?

Yeah, well, it falls into both categories depending on the specifics.

[ For what feels like the umpteenth time, Derek's not really sure how to answer this question. ]

Do you want to forget about it, or...?

Not if it's - gonna make things weird. [She has to talk herself into going on.]

Is it?

[ He huffs out a soft laugh and shrugs. ]

I, uh...think I've already damned us whether we do or don't, honestly, Vanya. So whatever you want, that's what we'll do.

[Having to make a decision - on ethat feels important, one that she's pretty sure is going to dictate whether or not the next time they hang out is in a few days or a few weeks - freaks her out. It's paralyzing, and she knows she can't just shut the feed and run away because he might come looking for her, and that would probably be worse right now.

He thinks about the mistletoe, and - she hasn't, really, but she also made the decision not to, so does that even count? Besides, she'd been more concerned with not having someone to grab lunch with more than something stupid like a kissing tradition. Jesus. She's thinking about it now, and that just feels immensely stupid.

Shaking herself, shaking her head, Vanya shrugs her shoulders up to her ears.]

It's fine, it's just - let's just forget about it, okay? [The whole conversation. Maybe the mistletoe, too? She is fully incapable of clarifying.]

[ So that...is probably that. Derek has gotten used to the fact that Vanya is incredibly anxious about pretty much everything, but he likes to think that they're close enough that if she wants something, she'll say so and mean it. The fact that she asks to forget about this whole thing suggests to him that she wants to forget about this whole thing. So, the dumb little tiff with Diego is literally over nothing because if he does feel something for her, it isn't reciprocated. Which is fine, that's actually...in a way, better for him, anyway, right? Everyone around him gets hurt and he doesn't want Vanya to get hurt, so if she's keeping him at an arm's length, that's good for her, right?

That's two women now he met in the cities and befriended who let him down gently because they weren't interested and Derek thinks that he's either lost whatever it was that made him attractive to potential partners beyond his looks somewhere along the way or...maybe he's just not allowed to have the best of both worlds. Maybe he can have a friend or he can have sex, but he can't be friends with a romantic partner and, since Derek doesn't really do unattached sex, he can either look forward to more eventually one-sided relationships like the one he had with Braeden, or he can just...try to break a Guinness World Record with his dry spell or something.

He cares about Vanya a lot and he's not going to lose her over something he doesn't even fully know he feels right now. What's the point in that? He'd been missing her and now she's here, so what's the point of fucking it up trying to suss out if there's something more to this than meets the eye, especially if she's not interested in doing that?

There's not. So that's that. He'll drop it.

Running a hand over his mouth and chin, willing himself to drop it, Derek nods. ]

Yeah, okay, then. Consider it forgotten.

[ He pauses. As much as he'd like to leave this conversation with that, he can't; it's Vanya and she'll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what she said wrong or why he's mad at her, even though he isn't, or something. ]

I still owe you an activity to go with that lunch. Did you decide what you want to do?

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